James, Max, Finn, Benson, Forrest, Redd and Lewis
Over the past almost ten years I have been immersed in the world of boys. It began with James, my oldest as he went through the classic stages of interest. He loved to play with cars and then Thomas the train which quickly led into the land of Legos followed shortly thereafter by Minecraft and more Legos. In the meantime, Max and Benson came along and of course little Lew and each went through similar phases, with their own unique twist on things, of course.
Brandon and I have always sought for our boys to be well rounded young men. We started violin lessons for James when he was six and shortly thereafter signed him up for football, baseball and tennis. Not all at the same time, of course but throughout the following years during the appropriate seasons. James thought football was okay. He enjoyed running and the camaraderie among his teammates. He was even voted MVP for one of is games after scoring the winning touchdown. He never seemed to care too much about winning though. He was more concerned about how his teammates felt, if they were having fun and feeling supported and appreciated.
Then came baseball. This sport was a challenge for him. He felt uncoordinated and lacked a lot of the experience some of the other players had. His coach was supportive and encouraging but let James know when he needed to get his head out of the clouds. One game James got out twice for not keeping his foot on the base along with several other silly mistakes. His coach sat him out on the bench for not paying attention. Needless to say, it was a long season and James wanted to quit many times.
We have encouraged him to try other sports but he has no interest. During recess he likes to talk to his friends or read "Harry Potter." He told me that most of the boys play kickball, basketball or football during recess but that he prefers to read. He also said that most of the boys say that PE is their favorite subject in school but James' favorite subject is Library. During this same discussion he went on to say, "Mom, I just don't get sports. You take a ball and throw it into a hole or run across a line with it or hit it with a stick. What is the point?! It doesn't make any sense to me."
Here's the deal, James is one of the most genuine, caring, creative and thoughtful boys I know. He is actively concerned for the feelings of others. He came home from school the other day and I said, "So how did the student council elections go?! Did you win?" I was certain he had because he had a big smile on his face while I asked him. He responded cheerfully, "No, Mom. Bobby and Anna won!" I said, "Well aren't you disappointed?" His reply was 100% genuine. "No, Mom! I voted for them! I think they will both do a great job! Besides I got to have a turn last year and so they should have a turn too." This story sums up my James perfectly.
So, why am I sharing all of this detail? Because I HATE that I feel like I have failed James in some way. Have I done what I could to acclimate him to the boy culture of sports and competition. Perhaps I didn't get him involved earlier enough? Maybe I should have pushed one single sport harder and at a younger age? Maybe I should have taken him to more sporting events?
Here's my conclusion: WHO ON EARTH CARES!?!? I sure as heck don't care one iota if he is the star athlete. I know he is developing other FAR MORE VALUABLE qualities that will serve him well in life.
The underlying problem is: Most boys DO care. James' lack of interest in sports often leaves him out from playing with the other boys. He doesn't seem to mind now. He is a confident young man and isn't phased by his lack of athletic inclination but I am concerned that down the road he will regret not making more of an effort in that regard.
I have THREE other boys to love, raise, and encourage along the way. Do I try something different with them? Do I realize that James just doesn't care about sports, that that has nothing to do with me because all that matters is he is happy, stable and confident?
I need some wisdom from you, dear friends.
Please share your thoughts.
2 comments:
Do you love that your first comment is from a mother of four GIRLS?!!! a haaa haaa! I got nothin' for ya!
Except to say that you have wonderful, healthy, happy, handsome, high functioning, normal, diverse sons! Don't worry your mama heart Joan.
I think it is a little sad how boy culture seems much more narrow in scope sometimes. In comparison, Lily has never been into barbies, baby dolls, or playing make-believe princess. She isn't particularly a "girly" girl. She will occasionally indulge in a little "girly" play, but is mostly absorbed into many other activities that involve motor-skill, science, etc. And it doesn't worry me one bit. There seems to be a bit of a harsher standard for a boy. When a boy doesn't fit a particular mold, that can cause some unnecessary concern on the part of a parent. To me it says much more about the cultural limitations we place on what it means to be a boy than it says about the boy.
There are MANY MANY MANY boys who don't particularly obsessively love sports. There are many boys and future men with such a wide range of interests that James will find plenty of camaraderie with. He will fit in just fine!
In my experience, people are more drawn to vitality and confidence and connect with people who are authentic and happy, this much more-so than because they simply share a few common interests. I'm sure James will have companionship and friendship with boys who love sports, with boys who are studious, with boys who love science, etc etc etc. And vice versa.
Rather than trying to coax our children into something they don't like because we worry about them, it makes more sense to me to give them the sort of confidence and acceptance that will allow them to be leaders and examples in the future. Allow them to communicate to us who they are, and what their interests become. As a parent, I'm just hoping to provide ample opportunities to expand on whatever my children seem to have a gift for, by providing them with the experience and tools in the areas they seek out (so long it is 'lovely and of good report';)) I've purchased WAY more science kits than i EVER imagined for my little girls, and i love it!
James is another amazing, darling example of what it means to be a REAL boy. I wholeheartedly predict he will have a life FILLED with many friends and one LUCKY future wife to boot. What a great kid.
rae
A wise man once said if you are more concerned about a problem than your child is, you’re doing it wrong. I personally do not play sports either. I grew up in a time that if we wanted to play something we would go down the road and get a game going with the kids in the neighborhood. Today you join a team, have a coach, and learn how to play a game that will give you no life skills for the rest of your life, except to teach your son the game skills that he will never use again until you have grandchildren. Seems like a racket to me.
Remember, playing a sport does not teach character, it only reveal it. (Look at LDS church ball if you have any doubt about that)
Let James find his own way, he is a wonderful child, you should be humbled by his wisdom. I can find many topics to talk about with my friends that do not include sports and he will find those as well.
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