and I am crying.
I went to YW’s tonight b/c I am in charge of the Wednesday night activities for the 12 and 13 year old girls. I put Max down to sleep at 6:30 and Brandon went to bed as well. He has been driving a box truck nights delivering pharmaceuticals to Show-Low (about a six hour round trip). I knew Jimmie would not be ready to go to sleep at 6:30 and I had to leave for YW’s. I put him in his pjs and told him that when he got tired that he could just turn off his Thomas movie and get into bed. I kissed him, locked all the doors and then left.
When I arrived home his room was in absolute shambles and he was sprawled out in his underwear on his bed sleeping.
I feel this sweeping guilt inside me. I am so sad that I left my little three year old boy all by himself (with Daddy and brother sleeping…but essentially by himself). What did he think as he crawled into bed all alone without a kiss, someone to tuck him in and sing him a song? How did he feel? Was he lonely? Did he feel unloved and forgotten?
I think the reason I feel so deeply sad about tonight is b/c it reminds me of when I was a little girl. I think about how many summer nights Oren (my biological father) would go out dancing or on a date with a girlfriend and he would leave me all alone. I was not three or four or five even. I was ten or eleven but I remember those nights vividly. I was scared. I was sad. I needed to be with someone. I would crawl into bed on those quiet nights and leave most of the lights on in the house and often the TV too just to hear someone. Something. Anything but the quiet sounds that were all too loud in my head.
Being a Mother has taught me to be more self-aware than any other task, burden, blessing, opportunity, or stewardship in my life. The awareness it brings is often poignant and painful. This night it cuts into me deeply and it has allowed old, deep wounds to resurface, allowing me to remember…remember things that I would like to forget…and yet it is this very process that causes me to grow, refine myself, and learn the true essence of who I really I am.
I had to leave you with a smile...My little Jimmie defines the word "goofus."
15 comments:
Oh Joanie! Reading this was so sad. Not for Jimmie, but for you. You know, Jimmie was completely fine tonight. He probably felt excited to do whatever he wanted for a little while! He knows that he has a mother (and father) that love him more than anything and that you are always going to be there for him. Always. He knows that while you were at YW, you were constantly thinking about him, wondering what he was doing, and if he was okay. You are his world, and he is yours. So don't feel guilty. Thanks for sharing this. Just go dry your tears and snuggle with that cute little boy!
You're a good momma.
That is the saddest thing ever! I've never been in that position, but I know how you must have felt. You are a great mom though and you are trying your best! I have to tell myself that when I have to go into work sometimes and not be with Christian. Give him a kiss and tell him how much you love him this morning, he knows you only want the best for him.
Oh Joanie!
Well it is obvious that He is surround by tons of love and attention. He probably had a fun time getting to do whatever he wanted for one night. Plus he knew dad was in the other room.
However...and I know some people will think I am horrible for saying this, but sometimes I get annoyed by church callings for this kind of reason.
love that smile!
Oh how I can completely relate to all of those feelings. And, I cried when I read your blog as all those feelings came rushing back. You are a wonderful, loving mom...and, the Lord will bless you for the sacrifices you make as you give of your time to His grand plan. And Jimmie, precious Jimmie, will reap the rewards by gathering more kisses and snuggles when you come home....more than he probably would have gotten otherwise. I love you!
Oh, my heart... What strength and goodness you represent Joan. You are faithful and steadfast and I love you. If I could be HALF the mother you are, I would be forever satisfied.
Oh Joanie you are a great mom! Don't be sad about not being able to do EVERYTHING. And, by the way...we want to see you guys & I am busy working on the holiday calendar so lets get the kids together for some holiday train riding!
You are such a good mom.
And this post melts and breaks my heart. Not because you are a bad mom...Jimmie is so lucky...but to imagine you left as a little girl! Ah, tear!
Isn't it amazing once we have children, we feel so much more deeply for other children - and that includes the vision of ourselves and children. We think, "How could someone do that to me, who was no different than my little Jimmie? (or Lily, or London)"
You feel for all of humanity all of the sudden!
Loved this post,
Rae
Oh yeah, I'm emailing you here shortly. I'm so sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I've had three two-year olds all week long.
Let's just say the free time has been limited.
rae
Beautiful post Joan....really. So beautiful. It is so great as a parent to get some of these experiences down in writing because it truly helps us grow and progress and become better. In my own life I have had many similar experiences as there is so much I want to do differently with my children and so much I want to improve on in the parenting of my own kids vs. the way I was raised. I have no doubt you are a wonderful mother and your children are so lucky to have you. Thank you for inspiring us to think more deeply about our daily experiences and who we are as parents.
Dear Joan,
I'm so sorry that happened to you and little Jimmie. He is so cute! I think everyone is right that said he probably had a blast that night. He probably got so many hugs the next day that he wondered what he had done that was so good!
I feel guilt like you did that night, all the time. It is so hard to be a mom and to balance out all of the things that are important to do. Working in Young Women's is one of those things that is really, really tricky as you try to always put family first, and fulfill your calling to the best of your abilities. I remember when I was first called into Young Women's and I had to leave baby Allison, and the other three home with David. It was hard! It took a lot of faith to leave my little nursing baby with a Dad that definitely loved her, but just couldn't do anything to make her happy. I'd come home from mutual and find daddy exhausted from bouncing a SCREAMING baby in his arms for about an hour. The house would be a mess. There were full bottles found around the house that she would not drink--evidence that he had done everything he knew how to do! It was such a hard thing. But honestly, now in perspective, I can say that the hour-and-a half away from my family was probably the best thing for all of us. David and I appreciate each other so much more! I got to have a little bit of time (when I wasn't worrying about my family) to have fun, and to serve, and to realize that my little kids, would someday very soon be big teenagers. They wouldn't always be little. It made me want to be better to them.
Your post reminded me of that again. Thanks for sharing such a personal experience to help strengthen all of us as mothers.
You're awesome! I love you!
Cami
Joan thanks for the honesty on this post. I love hearing what people really are thinking & who they really are inside. You are an incredible mother to these boys & they know & feel all of your love. I can totally understand your feeling of a broken heart with Jimmie going to bed on his own, but he knows how much you care for him because he sees it every other night of his life when you are home.
Joan, look at Jimmie's smile, look at his spirit, look at who he is and you have to know without a shadow of a doubt that he knows exactly how much he is loved. You are an excellent mom and wife and friend, never never doubt that. Please.
Joanie Joanie Joanie. I would have felt exactly the same way. I am such a woman. Love you. You guys are great, Jimmie is great. Your guilt is great. Shows the type of mom you really are.
Girl...you're breaking my heart...I'm not even going to address your feelings of guilt over leaving Jimmie for a bit...because we know you are a "Mother Extraordinaire" so toss the guilt, girl...But Oren is another subject I'd like to take on...You and Nikki and I go way back on this one. We share a lot of ugly history in the Dad department and it is odd how moments like you had with Jimmie bring it all back to our memory. I learned a really good lesson once in Relief Society: when a parent is deficient in their duty it is the parent whom suffers the most. Our fathers have lost their relationships with us past and sometimes present, but we HAVE relationships with our children and therefore we know what they are missing. Which should help us eventually get to a place where we can forgive them, the forgetting part is harder (and moments like you had come in waves throughout our lives). Because we love and cherish our children and enjoy our relationships with them we develop compassion almost pity for what our Dads have missed. How sad for them.
I love you Joanie! Thanks for being such a strong woman!
Love always...Alexis
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